


Why was I chosen, why me of all men?

by orphan_account



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan and phil
Genre: (kind of?), Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Feels, Arguing, Author has never been to therapy so sorry if it's not accurate, Emotional Hurt, Fireworks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Mystery, Poor Phil's mum, Therapy, Unrequited Love, based on that comment made about Dan not being real
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 13:02:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13167480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "The doctor said you weren't real again.""The doctor's dumb."Phil grinned. "Yeah, a bit.""Don't listen to him Phil, he just doesn't like my mum and dad, I think.""How come?"Dan smirked and put a finger to his lips. "Top secret."





	Why was I chosen, why me of all men?

"C'mon! You're so slow, we're gonna miss it!"

"You're the one that's going too fast!"

"It only seems like that because you're moving like a snail."

"Hey! I'm not a snail!"

"A sloth, then."

Phil huffed out a sigh, which was more like a combination of a wheeze and a gasp. He was not a snail, or a sloth, and he frowned at Dan to show his dislike. "I'm more of a tiger, or a lion!"

"Yeah? Then why don't you move faster, Mr. lion?"

"I'm... Trying!"

Dan laughed. "C'mon. We're almost there."

The boys raced around the edges of the rocks, careful not to slip on the more slippery ones. There was darkness slowly increasing around the pair as they made their way up the rocky hill in Phil's backyard. It was tall, and large, and there was a flat part on the top that was perfect for sitting and throwing things off the edge or looking up at the stars. That night, however, they would be looking at something much more exciting that some silly stars, at least in Phil's opinion.

At the top, both boys placed their hands on their knees and took deep gulping breaths, trying to calm the dizziness in their heads. Eventually, they got themselves together and excitedly looked up at the sky.

"What do you think it'll look like?" Phil asked, a smile spreading on his face.

"I dunno." Dan shrugged. "I've never seen it before."

"Neither have I! But I heard it's super bright and it had lots of colors."

Dan chuckled. "Yeah. And it's really loud too."

"Hopefully not too loud."

"Don't worry, you can always cover your ears if it gets too bad."

"That's true." Phil nodded. Dan always had the greatest solutions to these sort of things.

Dan sat down on one of the rocks. "I wonder just how many colors there will be."

"I hope a-"

A loud crack interrupted Phil's words, and both boys turned to marvel at the bright flash of a firework in the sky. It was bright green and shiny, and it was the most marvelous thing Phil had ever seen. And then there was another, a hot pink one, and then a dark blue one, and Dan and Phil watched, transfixed. The fireworks bursted one by one, getting closer together each time. A grand finally, showering golden sparks everywhere, before silence once again rested over the cold January night.

Dan was the first one to speak. "Wow..."

"Yeah." Phil agreed, blinking a few times. His eyes were dry. He might not have blinked for the entire show. He sat down next to Dan and the two stayed in silence for a few minutes, before Phil said, "The doctor said you weren't real again."

"The doctor's dumb."

Phil grinned. "Yeah, a bit."

"Don't listen to him Phil, he just doesn't like my mum and dad, I think."

"How come?"

Dan smirked and put a finger to his lips. "Top secret."

Phil pouted. "Why can't you tell me?"

"My mum said it was serious, so I s'pose I shouldn't even tell you."

"Yeah, that's alright then," Phil replied, though there was still curiosity burning within him.

They stayed like that for a few more minutes, before Dan asked, "It's probably pretty late, isn't it?"

"Yeah, my mum's probably really worried."

"Let's go then." Dan stood up, and reached out his hand. Phil grinned up at him and used the hand to pull himself up. They both dusted themselves off before heading on their way, only scraping a knee once. It was an impressive track record, at least for Phil. Dan never got hurt, it was almost unfair.

Phil approached the house, and gulped a bit in trepidation and guilt. His mum was probably worried sick about him, cause he tried to always be home on time, but the fireworks were worth every second because they were the coolest thing Phil had ever seen. He glanced over towards Dan to see if he was feeling the same way, but the boy had disappeared, gone as if he had never been there. Phil frowned, but shrugged it off. Dan was always doing that, running off when Phil wasn't looking. He'd appear the next day at some point, though, so Phil wasn't very worried.

Stepping towards the house, Phil took a deep breath before opening the front door and stepping inside. As soon as the door was closed he was surrounded by his mum, who was talking very quickly and kind of loudly.

"Where have you been? I've been worried sick! This is very serious, young man, you know you aren't supposed to be out this late," She rambled, before mumbling, "I shouldn't even have to tell you this."

"I was trying to see the fireworks, mum!"

"If you wanted to see the fireworks me and your dad could have taken you."

"But I wanted to see them with Dan!" Phil whined.

His mum stopped and furrowed her eyebrows for a second, before saying with a calmer voice, "Phil..."

"No." Phil crossed his arms over his chest. "He is real!"

"Phil, it's just, we've never seen him sweetie...."

Phil rubbed at his eyes and frowned, moving away from his mum. "I want to go to bed."

"We needed to talk about this."

Phil ran up the stairs, rubbing furiously at his eyes, trying to stop the sobs that were wracking through him. His mum and dad never believed him when he said Dan was real. He really, really was! He knew it, he could hear and touch Dan, why wasn't that enough. He threw himself onto the bed and hugged his pillow, and pretended he had parents who believed him about the only friend he had.

* * *

"Hi there, Phil, how's your day going?"

"You don't need to treat me like a seven year old kid, Dr. Laurens, I'm almost twelve."

"Yes, right, my mistake. How has your day been going so far, Mr. Lester?"

"Well, it's just been school so far, and I think I'm doing pretty well in maths, but Phys. Ed is terrible."

"And how is... Dan doing?"

"Why does it matter?"

"Hmm?"

"You'll just tell me he's not real again."

"I assure you, I wo-"

"I don't want to talk about Dan."

"Well... Alright, then. What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know."

"How about we talk about your dad?"

"No."

"No?"

"We're not talking about that."

"Phil, this is an open environment to talk about those kinds of things, you understand that, right?"

"I still don't want to talk about it."

"Very well."

* * *

The feeling of the pillow on his face registered before the realization that someone had thrown it. And then the world came into focus, and Phil could hear snickering in the background. "Dan, what the fuck."

"Time to wake up sleepy head."

Phil pushed the pillow off of his face and sat up in bed, looking first at Dan before glancing at his bedside clock. "It's- It's 4 a.m, jesus christ."

"Oh, is it? Huh." Dan shrugged. "I'm here to bring you to a world of wonder, you know, so you should appreciate my sacrifice of sleep."

"The only one sacrificing sleep is me."

"Details. C'mon, get out of bed." Dan stepped closer to the bed and pulled the duvet off of Phil, leaving him exposed to the frighteningly cold air.

Phil groaned. "Let me sleep."

"You're gonna waste all my careful planning? 'M heartbroken."

"Yeah, yeah," Phil replied, dismissing Dan, yet he pulled himself out of bed and started collecting his clothing. "What is this special surprise?"

"A secret." Dan placed a finger over his lips.

"You say that every time."

"Because it's true."

Phil half-heartedly glared at Dan before pulling on a sweatshirt and officially declaring himself ready to go. The devious smirk reappeared on Dan's face and suddenly there were butterflies in Phil's stomach and bloody hell he was excited to learn what Dan's plans were. They were never extravagant, but it was perfect, because Phil wasn't an extravagant person. And that grin, that smirk, it was the clearest signal of a great night (or morning) shared between them.

Dan unlatched the window and pushed it up, turning back to wink at Phil before disappearing out of the window and onto the tree next to his window. Phil followed, hesitance only lasting for a few seconds before remembering he really didn't give a shit where his mum thought he was. A branch scrapes his arm but he can't bring himself to care because he's captivated by the Dan sitting half-hazardly on a branch in the early morning moonlight. It outlined his jaw, cast a shadow across his face, and it made Phil's mouth go dry.

"Ready to go?"

Phil locked eyes with Dan, before replying, "Always."

Dan grinned once again. Phil realized he'd lost his heart to the kid in front of him a long time ago. The pair dropped out of the tree, and Dan ushers Phil down the road. They stroll down the pavement, Phil staring curiously at Dan while the other pretended not to notice. Finally, after a long stretch of silence, Phil asked, "So, are you going to tell me where we're going?"

"Na." Dan glanced over his shoulder. "Still a secret."

"You and your damn secrets."

"It's what makes me amazing."

Phil chuckled. "Fair enough."

Another pause. "Hey, Phil, remember the first time we met?"

"Yeah?" Phil stopped walking. "What about it?"

"Was just thinking 'bout it, is all." Dan stopped as well, turning towards Phil.

"You were sitting on the curb, and you looked lonely. So I amazed you with my unrivaled facts about moths."

"'M still terrified to this day."

Phil laughed. "Not the smoothest move."

Dan made a non-committal noise of agreement. There was another pause. "It's been 'bout ten years since then."

"No way," Phil replied, raising an eyebrow, "It doesn't feel like it's been that long."

"Yeah, it really doesn't." Dan glanced up at the sky."

Phil tilted his head. "You okay dude? You seem sort of... melancholy."

"Fancy word." Dan started walking again. "We're gonna be late to my surprise."

"I'm still lost as to where we're going."

"Don't worry, it only has a slight chance of traumatizing you."

"Comforting." They both laughed.

The pair twisted and turned down roads, going to places that were only vaguely familiar to Phil. Glancing at Dan, Phil wondered why, if they were going so far, they didn't just take the car. But Phil learned a long time ago not to question what Dan did; he went his own path, and Phil honestly loved it about him.

Dan suddenly stopped, making Phil bump into him. Phil glanced around, trying to make sense of where they were, but it was just another empty street. They were standing under a street lamp, and the trees around them rustled around them. Atmospheric, sure, but not somewhere Phil would have expected Dan to choose.

"Dan?"

"Phil."

Dan turned towards Phil, and it was only then that he noticed the sad glint in the other boy's eyes. He stepped forward, to do something, to ask if he was okay, but he never made it that far. Instead, Dan surged forward, and there was a pair of lips on Phil's. Dan's lips. Phil blinked in shock, the breath knocked out of him, before he slowly kissed back, moving his lips to the rhythm that was Dan Howell. It was like Phil was trying to keep up, Dan picked the pace and Phil chased after it desperately. It was everything he had ever wished for and completely wrong at the same time.

Phil pulled back and laid a hand on Dan's cheek. There was a tear. Why was there a tear? "Was I that bad?"

"No!" Dan furiously tried to wipe the tear away. "That's not it at all."

"Then why are you crying?"

"I just-" Dan turned away, moving away a few steps, before turning back. "I don't know."

"You do. I can see it, in your eyes."

"Poetic."

"Dan."

"I'm..." A distant engine echoed. "I'm just worried 'bout the future."

"You're going to be fine in the future, Dan, you're smart, and kind, and-"

"No, it's not that."

Phil furrowed his eyebrows. "Then what is it?"

"I'm worried about your future."

Phil blinked a couple of times. "What- what do you mean?"

"I'm... Phil, I'm not a good person to like- that kiss- forget it, it wasn't a good idea, I was just..."

"Dan. Dan!" Phil stepped forward and grabbed the other boy's hand. "You're an amazing person, and that- that kiss was amazing too."

Dan snatched his hand away. "No, you don't understand- you can't love me.'

"Why can't I?" Phil clenched his hand.

"I-" The engine sound grew closer. "You'll understand. Soon. It just- it isn't going to work."

"I don't understand, at all. Dan, please, explain this to me." Phil was lost. He had lost his heart to this kid in front of him who's eyes were averted from his face, and it felt like it had just been crushed- like how people crush soda cans just to prove they could.

"Fuck- Phil, I," Dan started, before taking a few breaths. "I love you, but there's something I need to tell you."

Headlights down the street. "Wh.. what?"

Dan glanced backwards. "Fuck- just, I love you, god I love you so damn much, don't freak out you asshole or I'll come back or something."

"What are you talking about?" Phil's eyes widened with each word.

Time slowed. Dan glanced backwards once again, headlights growing closer, before turning towards Phil. He grinned, the signature Dan grin, and it froze Phil, left him off guard, prevented him rushing forward as Dan stepped out onto the street and got slammed into by the truck rushing down the road. And there was nothing left, and Phil could feel something draining out of his chest, but he just stood there as the car drove off, out into the night as if nothing had happened, as if it hadn't just smashed into Phil's best friend of ten years, the only person he'd had, the person he had learned to love.

And time all came rushing forward. And Phil rushed onto the road, grabbing at Dan's body, holding him against his chest, not caring about the blood that got all over his hoodie. There was tears, and then sobs, and Phil could hear Dan's shallow breaths. Phil sobbed out, "Don't you dare, don't you dare..."

But there was nothing left. Phil blinked, and there was nothing there. He was clutching at empty air, the sticky, disgusting blood smeared across the road was gone, and he was alone. Dan wasn't there. Dan hadn't been there. Phil stared at the pavement, heart pounding in his chest. He screamed. It echoed across the streets and someone was going to hear, he knew, but he didn't care, Dan was _gone_.

This was one fucked up dream.

* * *

"Mr. Lester."

"Phil."

"Alright, Phil. How are you doing today?"

"Alright."

".... Have you seen Dan recently?"

"..."

"I'm going to take that as a no. Do you know where he is?"

"No."

"Did he not tell you?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"He's not real."

"What did you just say?"

"He was never real. I made him up, you could say."

"I wouldn't say that-"

"He's dead, and he isn't real. Are these sessions really necessary?"

"What do you mean, dead?"

"He died. It doesn't matter. He's not real."

"What gave you this change of heart? Just a month ago you were adamant he was real."

"I realized."

"You... Realized?"

"Yes."

"What does that mean?"

"I realized, after he died, me and Dan haven't really ever existed to anyone anyways. So it doesn't matter if I say if he's real or not. It doesn't matter if I'm chasing after empty wind, or a pace I can't keep up with. The answer is the same."

"What's the answer?"

"I love him."


End file.
